Five Dates Jane Saved Maura from
by saoulbete
Summary: And one she didn't. A completely recockulous collection of times where Maura finds herself on the five worst dates of her life, and the ways that Jane gets her out of them.
1. Glenn

A/N – blame facebook (I think?) for this. Somewhere I got to talking to someone about ridiculous ideas, and this was born. Each chapter is a really light crossover – bonus points to anyone that can get them all.

* * *

_Save me._ She was surprised to see Maura's number pop up with a text message, and she smirked slightly to herself. Maura had been talking all day about a date with this handsome, charming pilot that she had met on some chartered flight to somewhere for some conference. She wasn't quite entirely sure where Maura had gone, or what she had done, other than it being sciency, and she came back talking about this _Glenn_ who had been her pilot on the flight back.

The whole day had been Glenn this, and Glenn that, and going on and on until she wanted to gag herself with a spoon for just how much Maura seemed to be looking forward to this date. So to get a text message from Maura, no more than fifteen minutes after Maura had left, she had to smirk slightly.

_What's wrong?_ She replies, already turning on the police scanner, listening to the codes that echo out over it, searching for something, anything, she could sink her teeth into.

_Giovanni is more subtle than Glenn._ She couldn't help the giggle that came out of her mouth, and part of her felt sad for her friend, being stuck out at dinner at someplace fancy with a man who may have seemed wonderful when stuck on a two hour flight with someone in a somewhat professional manner but who was an absolute ass when on a date.

_That bad? _She hears Frankie respond to a dead body call at a retirement home, and dials her brothers number. It's two seconds to explain the situation to her brother, and he laughs, but agrees.

_His apartment looks like something out of a pornographic film from the 70's._

_Wait, you're already in his apartment? And how do you know what 70's porn looks like? _

_No, but he's showing me pictures. I think I'm supposed to be impressed._ She stashes the question that didn't get answered – just how Maura knew what the interior design choices of decades old adult entertainment, and holds down the dial button on her phone. "Doctor Isles." She smirks at just how relieved Maura sounds on the other end of the line.

"C'mon, we've got a dead body." It's funny, how much Maura has rubbed off on her. She's gotten good at telling little half-truths. Things that weren't lies, but that weren't the whole truth. She knew that Maura would feel obligated to stay through dinner for anything that wasn't work related, she knew that her friend wouldn't just walk out on a date, even if it was the worst one ever. She gives the address, and heads there herself.

She sees Frankie standing there laughing at her as she walks in to the small apartment. She has to admit, it is a little ridiculous. She hadn't been on a call like this in years, ever since she was a rookie. It was procedure, she knew, to have an officer go out, even in the most routine cases just to make sure there wasn't anything more going on. Besides, cops could break down doors for funeral home employees.

She sees Maura's look of confusion as the ME gets out of a cab and joins them. "Jane?" she questions, looking around. There was no crime scene tape, Jane and Frankie were the only two police officers there, nothing to suggest that this was a crime scene. Jane can't help but think it's cute the way that Maura dropped to one knee to give a cursory examination of the corpse. "Jane, this woman is -" There was a pause as a wallet was fished out of a purse, revealing an ID. "-one hundred and two. There is no sign of any sort of trauma, I couldn't say for sure without an autopsy, and you know how I am about guessing but-I'm very much inclined to say we're not dealing with a homicide."

"That's cause we're not." Jane said in her most _duh_ voice possible.

"You said we had a case."

"I said we had a dead body. We have – a dead body." There was a confused tilt to Maura's head, and she couldn't help the laugh. "You wanted a way out of your terrible date. I gave you one. He's not going to know any different." Maura paused, and then smiled, laughing.

"Thank you."

"So was he _really_ that bad?" She asks as they turn around to walk back out of the apartment.

"Everything out of his mouth was either misogynstic, sexual or both." She grinned as Maura frowned. She wanted to sympathize, she really did, but the way Maura had been talking this guy up, Jane had to admit it was funny that things had backfired so badly. "And he was flirting – well propositioning, really – the waitress." She tried to fake looking scandalized, and failed.

"So he hit on the waitress, showed you pictures of his totally swinging bachelor pad - I've had worse."

"It had lime green shag carpeting. And a heart shaped bed with zebra print sheets. The pictures were traumatizing enough. Could you imagine if I had actually gone home with him?" Maura seemed absolutely horrified at the very idea. Jane, on the other hand, was dissapointed that her friend hadn't gotten her own copies of these pictures to share the horror around.

"Bow-chicka-wow-wow." Was her only sarcastic response, earning her a half-hearted glare from Maura.

"He asked if I'd ever had sexual relations with a corpse." Jane couldn't help it, she doubled over with laughter. "And he had this terrible verbal tic."

"You really know how to pick 'em." She gasped, as soon as she was able to breathe again. "A zombie, a perverted pilot-I'm afraid to see who you go out with next." She ignored the pang of _something_ that she felt, writing it off as indigestion. They walked, laughing and arm in arm to Jane's car, ignoring Frankie's protests that he didn't want to have to stay all alone with a stiff while waiting on the guys from the funeral home.


	2. Chaz

a/n - and another cracktastic date. Note - these are being written highly intoxciated upon the goading of IRL friends, so don't expect anything good, they will likely be edited later.

* * *

"Jane, I was wondering if you would be willing to do me a favor." Maura's looking at her with an entirely too sweet and innocent look, and she's afraid to say yes. But at the same time, this was Maura, the woman could ask for her kidney, for everything she owned, for anything, and she'd agree to it. It doesn't mean she doesn't attempt to look tough.

"Hmm?" she questions, half paying attention to her phone as she tries to set a new record in Plants Vs. Zombies.

"Well, I'm supposed to go on a date tonight with an old friend -"

"You want me to get you out of it?"

"No, actually, Chaz has an old friend of his with him as well and-" She groaned. Her plans for the night were a couple of beers at the Robber, her brothers, and the first game back from the All-Star break. She did not want to go on a double date with Maura.

"Yeah, sure, what time?" Is what winds up coming out of her mouth, rather than the _no_ she had intended on.

"Seven? We've got reservations at Dorsia." She frowns, of course it had to be someplace fancy too, where she couldn't just show up in her work clothes. "I can pick you up."

"Yeah, sure, whatever." Is her response, as she scowls at her phone. Why did she always agree to silly things like this? Because it was Maura, she could never say no to pleading hazel eyes. Besides, it was just dinner, she wouldn't have to cook, and she knew that there was no way she was going to wind up with the bill. She finds Maura at her door, fussing with her hair as she locks up, promptly at seven. "So who are these guys anyway?"

"Well, Chaz I went to school with, he's an old friend." Something has Jane's hackles up at the way that Maura says _old friend_ but she ignores it. "Damien – his friend, I don't know anything about. I don't think Chaz had intended Damien to be coming when he asked me to dinner." She frowns. Great, not just a double date, but a blind date, with two people who already knew each other. "Chaz works in the music industry, and I'd assume that's how he knows Damien." Jane raised an eyebrow, somewhat impressed.

They pulled up to the restaurant, and Jane was suitably impressed to find both men already there, with a table for them, being nice enough to pull out chairs and take their coats. "Chaz, this is Jane-" She shook the hand of a man who had be in the running for _dweebiest man alive._ He was roughly Maura's height, with slicked back brown hair, glasses, and a well-cut suit, but everything about the man screamed _middle management accountant._

"And Maura, Jane, this is Damien Cornicklesen. We,uh, we work together." There was a moment of awkward silence while they all looked around before Maura broached it.

"So, Chaz, what brings you back to Boston?"

"The, uh, the band I – y'know, manage has a gig here tonight. Damien is here representing the label." She looked at her 'date' for the evening. She's vaguely reminded of the lead singer from Smash Mouth, or Guy Fieri, with a look that just screamed _trying too hard._ The two men couldn't have been more different if they tried, one was all long shaggy hair with too many highlights, a soul patch, and sunglasses resting on the back of his head, with one of those attempting to look effortlessly cool, and putting way too much effort into it looks. Chaz, on the other hand, looked like the sort of person that Maura would consider an old friend.

"How have you been, Maura?" She lets them have their back and forth, gulping at the glass of wine set in front of her like it's a lifeblood. She had a feeling it would take more glasses of the red that had been shoved in front of her to make this bearable She turned to Damien as she listed to Chaz and Maura catch up, deciding that she could at least attempt to be personable.

"So, what do you do?"She asks,

"I work for the label." She had gotten that from the introduction.

"So, you what, set up merch and stuff?"

"You know, label –stuff. My dad just sorta sends me around with the bands for Crystal Mountain. It's just label stuff." She looked at Maura, and at Chaz, getting the distinct feeling that Chaz was something of a babysitter for the label head's son, and the duty had been passed off on to her, so that Chaz and Maura could enjoy dinner together.

She'd only just met him, but she did have a sudden respect and hatred fro a man who could pull something like that off so effortlessly. So Chaz wasn't just the accountant of the month. "So, how did the two of you meet?" She asks, doing her best to seem sweet and interested in the conversation. Really, she would just be happy to find some sort of way to get her 'date' from eying her like a piece of meat.

"We were, uh, co-captains of the fencing team at Harvard." She finds herself genuinely impressed. She knew Maura had fenced in school, but she hadn't thought the woman had been a captain of the team. Then again, Maura was the sort that didn't do anything half-assed. Of course she would have been captain. She makes a mental note to ask the woman for lessons sometime – it had always looked like fun. She looks at Maura, at the way that she nods, and can tell that there was more there than just co-captains of a team.

"Interesting." Is her only response, as she finds Maura and Chaz lapsing into discussion of some sort of fencing match that they'd been to over a decade ago. She's completely lost in the whole conversation, but follows along with what Maura's saying, entranced by the intensity of the way Maura is describing this little fencing bout. She doesn't understand a damn word of anything, but she rarely does when Maura goes off with that look in her eye – and she doesn't care. Maura can be a fascinating force of nature when she's going on about something she's passionate about, and Jane loves that. Chaz, for his part, has dropped that little stammer Jane's noticed, and Damien is still eying both of them like they're just waiting to be pounced on.

She excuses herself after entrees are served – she hadn't understood a damn word of the menu, and had picked whatever looked easiest to pronounce, and found herself faced with some sort of fish – something. It wasn't inedible, at any rate, but she was definitely starting to get creeped out by the other man at the table. Chaz, wasn't so bad. She could see why Maura had been fond of him – and as the night drew on, the hair on the back of her neck was starting to lower. There was something about the way that Maura talked to the Chief Accountant of whatever-band-it-was that seemed to say _you were __more interesting ten years ago._ It was just a general faint note of boredom that most would find imperceptible, but Jane recognized it. It was the same one Maura used when they were at the Robber and she and Frankie and Frost would start talking Celtics. Polite, conversational, but wholly uninterested.

She slips into the bathroom, pulling out her phone and quickly texting Maura. _So, ditch the boring accountant and go get real booze at the Robber?_ She waits for a moment, long enough that she knows that Maura is debating it, before she finds no response coming. She smirks, and sets an alarm on her phone, making sure she has the alarm tone set to Cavanaugh's ringtone, before heading back out to join the other three. She's glad her phone rings a second after Damien suggests they slip out the back for a little something-something, and she pretends to answer it, pretending to talk to Cavanaugh. "Well, thank you all for a lovely dinner, but I'm afraid duty calls -" She stands, and she sees Maura stand as well.

"Chaz, it's been great seeing you again, definitely call me the next time you're in Boston." She waits for them to trade a chaste European farewell, feeling those hairs on the back of her neck rise again until they're safely outside. Once safely out of earshot, Maura turns to her, looking pensive. "He used to be more interesting." She laughs, and opens the passenger door, knowing that Maura was likely far more sober than she was. She'd been the one that had been being ogled by a silent ogre.

"How?"

"He used to be – dangerous. Like he could be someone that could actually do something amazing." Maura had that adorable little pout that she got when things didn't quite go right, and Jane sort of felt bad. Maura had obviously accepted the invitation to dinner, expecting the same _dangerous_ fencing captain she had once known before graduation had taken them their separate ways. Not some suit behind a band. She was kinda disappointed that Maura hadn't even gotten a chance to hear the band – she was sure that if Chaz becoming a boring businessman hadn't put Maura off of him, she knew that finding out that he was forced through his job to listen to nothing but death metal certainly would have.

"What, win Nerdiest man alive? You two must have been some couple, let me tell you." She endures Maura's glare at her teasing, knowing it isn't going to last long. "C'mon, let's go get drunk with actual dangerous people." She says, grinning as they pull up in front of the Robber.


	3. Carl

_you know, this was originally supposed to be somewhat serious and involve serena from law and order and garret from crossing jordan and somewhere along the line became maura has unfortunate encounters with the adult swim lineup_

* * *

Save me. She looks at her phone, frowning in confusion. What on earth could Maura want to be saved from? Her friend couldn't be more than a hundred yards away, at the other end of the liquor outlet staring at the wine selection while she stared at the whiskeys, trying to decide on what should take the place of her house bottle of"something harder than beer." The bottle of Evan Williams hadn't really been all that good, and it had taken forever to find enough people to pawn shots of it off on to finish it. Jim Beam was all right, but she hated the burn it had. Jack Daniels hadn't been a friend of hers since one unfortunate night not long after her twenty-first birthday, and she was very rapidly narrowing her selection down.

She looked up, attempting to see over the tops of the aisles, to where Maura was, and found the petite blonde back into a corner by – well, to her it looked like a giant blob. "Hey, baby, I've got a great place. It's just me, my motel room, and all this booze. Why not give this old man a little something-something." The voice was rough, crude, and Jane found herself instantly seething as she looks at the short, rotund, balding man, instantly disgusted.

She wasn't quite sure what part of him was worse. The balding head covered by the weakest attempt of a combover possible, the stained wifebeater that didn't quite cover all of the beer gut, the stained sweatpants that she was pretty sure he'd slept and pissed in if the smell was anything to go by, or the crude way he was leering at Maura. "Back off." Her tone is low and dangerous, and the fat little man turns to face her.

"Oh, ho ho. This is my lucky day. Two attractive broads."

"I said, back off." She could smell the alcohol already on his breath as he leaned closer to her, and it takes a near superhuman effort not to gag. She shifted slightly, revealing the badge and the gun strapped to her belt, and he just leans closer.

"What are you going to do, cuff me?" She tries to back him out of the aisle enough to give Maura room to escape, and Maura gives her a look of sheer relief when she can make it out and hide behind a display of Admiral Nelson.

"C'mon baby, I'm on vacation, finally got away from my weirdo neighbors, why don't you and me go look at Boston?" She stepped between the man and Maura, a human shield against the odious little man.

"Leave. Now." The words are almost a growl. She's not quite sure what's gotten into her, but she's fairly sure this feeling is what caused mother bears to attack random campers.

"Fine, I get it." The man threw up his hands, backing away to grab two thirty racks of Keystone.

"Thank you." Maura said primly, and Jane held up a bottle of Admiral from the display Maura was hiding behind.

"Mojito night?" She asked, deciding that something with spiced rum was definitely what the evening called for.

"Sounds great." They made it to the parking lot before they found themselves accosted by the Blob again. Jane has to admit, the man does _Trying Too Hard _entirely too well. From the Dodge Stealth with the _2Wykd_ license plate, to the offensive smell of Brut filling the air, the man if nothing else, was determined.

"Hey darlings, you sure you don't want some of this. I could sure show you what a good time is like."

"We're good, thanks." Jane was doing her best to be dismissive, but the Blob would not stop.

"You sure your -uh – friend there agrees?" True, Maura was looking at the Blob with an odd sort of expression. One that Jane recognized as her incredibly uncomfortable and not wanting to be there look. It wasn't quite as obvious as many peoples, but Jane had gotten used to it – Maura was far too polite to tell random strangers to go fuck themselves in so many words.

"My _friend_ here is taken." She laid a posessive hand on Maura's hip, pulling the blonde closer to the car.

"You wouldn't be the first dykes I turned straight." There was a tense moment, and Jane watched as the Blob twitched before striking – the second that hand moved towards Maura's ass she was on him, snapping two wrists behind his back with hard metal cuffs.

"You got ID on you? Cause you're under arrest, _darling." _Her tone is low, dangerous, and she does her best to get close enough to be claustrophobic to him, but not close enough to actually be in contact with him. She's sure that if any part of her outside of her hands touched him, she'd be showering for days to get the smell of cheap cologne and grease off of her. She looks at Maura, pleadingly, and is relieved when a set of purple latex gloves get handed to her. There was no way in hell she was going to reach into the pocket of the sweats without some sort of barrier in place.

She pulls out a wallet, revealing a Jersey driver's license and his name. _Carl Buta-something_ She's glad for technology – able to run his license for any open warrants from her phone knowing that if she had to try and pronounce the name over the scanner she'd fail miserably, frowning when the only thing that pops is a DUI he plead no contest to, and a gaggle of restraining orders in place from him against his neighbors. The previous DUI is enough for her – there was no way he had gotten here without driving, and he still reeked like alcohol, and was making every move to drive back to wherever he was staying.

She shoves him into his own backseat, taking the keys from his pocket. It's not worth it to call out a unit to tow the Stealth, not worth it to call in unis, even though she knows it's _procedure._ She's always hated the word, and to be honest, she couldn't care less if the creep walked because of her inability to follow directions or not. This wasn't about putting some fat slob who could never get any without paying for it behind bars, this was about proving a point.

She sped to the station, slamming on the brakes when she got there, enjoying the thunk of his head against the passenger side seat at the sudden stop. No, this fat blob was mostly harmless – crude, crass, and an ass, but harmless. No, this was about her proving a point – no one made her Maura uncomfortable if she could help it.


End file.
